When We Reach The Climax You Are So Dead
by dangerstruck
Summary: Amethyst Glitter Sparktonia is not a Sue to be messed with. STRONG LANGUAGE WARNING.
1. Jerky Jackson Ruins My Prologue

**Chapter One :D **

My name is Amethyst Glitter Sparktonia. Cute, right? Fuck no. My parents were most definitely high when they named me. The drugs would explain the reason why my eyes change color every five seconds. Do you have any fucking idea how hard it is to pick out an eyeshadow that makes my eyes pop, when they're constantly changing color? I bet you don't.

"Hey Amethyst," my best friend, Aqua, greets me. She's got green eyes (that _don't_ change color) and shoulder length black hair. She's pretty, but everyone says that I'm prettier. Why they do? I don't know. Why the hell would I want to be compared to my best friend?

"Hi," I say quietly.

I can just tell that Jerky Jackson is listening. He's been a psycho stalker for the past few months, following Aqua and I around. I want to tell him to fuck off and leave us alone, but he's kind of cute, and I cannot be mean to cute boys. It can't be done.

Aqua looks a lot like Jerky. It kind of pisses me off.

"Something wrong Am?" Aqua asks, her eyes examining the drinking fountain wistfully. Fucking weirdo.

"Yeah, tell Jerky to piss off, and leave us alone," I order, and at once she does as she's told.

Most people do whatever I say. It's such a damn curse. I scowl as I watch her march over to Jerky, whose real name is Percy, and tells him something that makes his eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Aqua skips back over, "What did I just do?" She asks, confused.

"Told Jerky to fuck off."

"Oh," her eyes go slightly wide.

I pop the bubble that I'd been blowing. "He's been stalking us for a while."

"Um. Yeah," Aqua agrees, uncomfortably.

"I think I should get a restraining order," I muse. "Maybe get one on Davies as well. Fuck, I'll get a restraining order on anybody who looks at me the wrong way." I narrow my eyes across the cafeteria at Jerky, who rolls his eyes, and turns to talk to one of his friends. What an asshole!

"Mhmmm..." Aqua mutters.

I shoot her a look, "Are you even listening to me?"

"Y-yes," she squeaks, her eyes trained on something above my head.

"What?" I demand, snapping my gum angrily.

"M-monster!" She shrieks, loudly.

And guess who comes to the rescue?

If you guessed me, you guessed wrong. I wouldn't touch that _thing_. It has fucking scales. Yuck!

But yeah, if you guessed Jerky, then you'd (unfortunately) be right.

He takes out a pen, and for a moment I'm hopeful that he's about to sign his own will, because he's most certainly going to be slaughtered by that monster-thing. But, no. It turns into a sword, a fucking sword!

I grab Aqua's wrist and drag her behind a trash can. Because, really, it might as well only be us three (four, counting the mutant, and I'm not talking about the monster) in this whole damn school.

We watch as Jerky fights the monster. With a swish of his sword pen, the monster has turned to dust. Literally.

"Are you guys okay?" He looks down at us.

Anger surges up inside of me. "You freak! You could have gotten us all _killed_!" He raises an eyebrow, incredulously. But I'm not finished. "Attracting your stupid mutant siblings into the school, you could have doomed us all!"

"_Excuse me_?"

"You heard me," I snap.

He crosses his arms, "I _saved _you, actually."

"_No_ - "

"Yeah he did, Am." Aqua pipes in quietly.

"Shut up," I glare at her, and she does so immediately.

Jerky glances between us, and frowns.

"_Why _are you still standing here?"

He gestures towards the signs above our heads, which were totally and ridiculously random, "Unfortunately, Princess, I've got to get you two to camp."

Camp? What the fuck. I don't _do_ camp.

* * *

**Three guesses who Queen Sue's parent is. Though, seeing as this is a parody, I bet I can mindfuck you all. **


	2. Goddess Of Bloody Whores

Turns out, Aqua is Jerky's half-sister. Sucks for her, right?

After a much needed explanation (that I will not write, because it mostly consists of Jerky talking and not myself, which therefore deems it incredibly dull) we had eventually been lured into attending this 'Camp Half-Blood'.

Apparently, Aqua and Jerky were kids of Poseidon, the god of water. Not very impressive, if you ask me.

"We didn't ask you," Jerky had said in annoyance, when I'd voiced my opinion out loud.

I'd responded with my middle-finger, which effectively shut him up.

Then, we'd discussed my parentage. I'd been claimed by, not one, but_ two_ immortals. Which makes me a goddess.

"A minor goddess," Jerky says, rolling his eyes. "They probably don't even know about you. I'm surprised your parents even claimed you."

"Watch what you say, Jackson, I just might fucking smite you."

He rolls his eyes again and continues to chat with Aqua.

Well, isn't this just fucking dandy. They're already getting along like brother and sister. It's _sickening_.

Anyway, I'd been claimed by Aphrodite, goddess of love (and prostitutes! Fuck yeah!) and Ares, god of war and bloodshed. As you can probably tell, this makes me pretty badass. "So, what type of goddess does that make me?"

"The goddess of bloody whores?" Jerky suggests.

"Ha-ha," I glare at him. "But, seriously..."

Aqua's eyes lit up, "Maybe you could be, like, the goddess of female war heroins!"

"Don't be stupid, Aqua," I roll my eyes, "That's fucking stupid...I should be the goddess of colors."

Jerky snorts, "What?"

"Yeah, it makes sense," I ignore his skepticism, "My eyes change color. I should be the goddess of colors."

Aqua smiles and nods, agreeably, "That would be cool."

"Well, of course it would be fucking cool," I snap, "I thought of it."

Her eyes widen and she nods quickly. "Y-yeah."

Jerky eyes the two of us with distaste. He mutters something to himself about having to share a taxi with us, and bangs his head against the taxi's window.

"Oh, look a strawberry field!" Aqua says, excitedly, pointing out the window. I roll my eyes.

Jerky lifts his head from the window, "Looks like we're here."

My drawn-on eyebrows rose.

* * *

**Not much of a mindfuck, really. But this way, she can be the goddess of bloody whores. Haw, haw, haw. **


End file.
